Thursday, February 21, 2008

A new beginning.

hoping for a new beginning. a beginning that brings more laughter into my life. a beginning that teaches me how to forgive and forget and be thankful and grateful for all the sweet and happy memories from yesteryears. a beginning that allows me to move on. a beginning that brings me new love, memories, opportunities and dreams.

but sometimes i do wonder if that is really what i want after all. do i really want to forget? am i ready to venture into the unknown? to begin everything from point A again? to start with a clean slate and hopefully that i will get things right this time? but what if i mess up again? what if i make mistakes over and over and over again? what if....

all these doubts and hesitation has held me back for a long long time. i do care about what people think of me. i do mind. i mind when my friends forget about my birthday. i do mind when they leave me out when they plan for outings and activities. i mind when i just seem like an outsider when i'm with them. i mind when i don't have an idea what they are talking about. yes i mind, i really mind.

but what can i do? i'm too proud to ask for more attention. and i'm too proud to show them that i really need people by my side. i'm just too proud. i know i'm a hypocrite. who do i think i am? why would they care about how i feel? after 4 years together, i still feel like an outsider sometimes. whenever i see pictures of their night out, it hurts inside because i know that they never even bothered to invite me. and i don't know anything about it.

who will be there for me? i used to believe that i found that someone. but maybe the timing was wrong or we are just not fated to be together afterall. maybe...there's too many "maybe"s. i'm still trying very hard to hold on to that promise he made a very very long time ago. but deep down inside, i know it that the promise will never come to....too much mistakes and obstacles in front of us. but somehow my heart just don't want to accept that. i'm hoping that with a little faith and hope, miracles do happen. but will it really happen?

how do i start a new beginning will all these questions i have? but maybe if i'm brave enough to take small steps, no matter how small it is, it is a step. a step that will hopefully bring me towards a fulfilling and eventful journey......

Lesson 101

A brand new blog to celebrate a brand new life ahead. Life is never going to be easy but I'm pretty sure it's going to be a good teacher with a lot of lessons to share and with plenty of surprises in hand.

The past 23 years have been an eye-opener for me. With lots of laughter and tears, those life events has brought me to where I am now. Looking back, life has been kind with me giving me family and friends that I believed that truly cared for me. Allowing me the opportunity to pave my own path in life amidst the challenges and opportunities encountered.

But it wasn't always a bed of roses either. Despite the image that I project to the world, I really am just an insecure, timid and shy girl trying very hard to fit in into this crazy little world. I'm envious of those that can so freely show all their emotions to the world. How I wish I had the courage to do that.

Perhaps I'm just too scared of being judged and this prevents me from being able to express myself freely. Has this fear made me into this unpproachable person? Will anyone be able to see through the mask that I wear everyday and seek the person within? Will anyone be able to fill the loneliness that I feel behind closed doors?

With faith and hope in my heart, i wish that sooner or later i'll be able to find my place in this big world....