Wednesday, March 5, 2008

A lesson in love

met up with a friend today. he needed a break from his busy working schedule so he dropped by for a visit. a quiet afternoon spent with a friend turned out to be an eye-opener. he's much older and has been making a living for a considerable time and there's no surprises that he's more experienced and so much wiser.

we talked a lot and somehow we got to the topic of my lovelife. my pathetic lovelife. somehow it was so easy to talk to him about it, so much easier than with my closest friends. maybe because i know that he won't judge me and because he's not in my normal circle of friends.

he made me realized that this life is actually quite simple. it's a give-and-take life, if you can give what they want, you'll be able to take what you want. but what about all the fairy tales we read when we were children? what about happily-ever-after? what about true love?

but i guess it's true somehow. i'm hopeful but i'm not all that naive either. i know that it's a cutthroat world out there, a place where you need to fend for yourself, having to keep your weaknesses to yourself and showing only the best you can offer. but must this also include love?

i'm not at all experienced when it comes to love. i messed up real bad in this department. i broke so many people's hearts just because of that one decision. if i have taken more time to think it over, if i have had the strength to say no and be logical about it all and not be rash, things wouldn't turned out to be the way it is now. i feel so much guilt that i can't be a real friend.

And the feelings for him is still deep within me. i still think about him all the time despite it being close to 4 years now. i still think of him before i drift to sleep at night and all the memories still lingers on the very moment i wake up in the morning. how i hope for a day when he'll wake up in the morning and realise that he's madly in love with me and will once again pull me into his warm embrace. how i wish....

i sometimes do wonder though about this feeling i have for him. is it really love or is it just the need to hold on to something that i can't have. what is this feeling i have for him? and i doubt that he still feels the same way. he gave me all the answers that i seek and i believe him. but i can't seem to move on, still trying very hard to hold on to those sweet memories.

i'm no longer featured in his life, we no longer share any memories together. i don't know how he is and all the things happenning in his life. he found a new life now, striving to achieve his dream in life and i guess i'm no longer in his heart now. as long as he is happy, i guess that's enough....

to him, take care....
as for me, i'll survive....

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